Damn That Murphy And His Blasted Law!!

Tomorrow I have a job interview...finally! So today I decided I would do my hairs since the roots were *REALLY* bad!! Plan was to bleach it and then put some platinum blonde in. Except I had gotten a different brand and it was a titanium blonde. So what the heck?! Yeah, uh, so you see, when one puts platinum blonde in their hairs, it turns it purple. It's the toner doing its job. The darker the purple, the more platinum it's supposed to be. Or that's what I was told. So I get the bleaching done and that's where I should have stopped until after my interview. But I figgered that I have done this so many times, it wouldn't mess up. Right?! Please enter Murphy...darn that Murphy and his stinking law!!

So I get the different brand of stuff in my hairs and it turns it purple like the other stuff. No biggie. It was working. I let it stay in for the amount of time it needed to be in and I rinse. I shampoo and I put lots of conditioner in because my hairs are always dried out when I process it. And then I go and look in the mirror. Uh...yeah. Not good! The purple didn't rinse all the way out! In fact, I have purple-ish parts in my hairs and I have platinum, or in this case, titanium parts. So not good! And I can't really put anything else in my hairs because it'll be too much processing and my hairs will either get all "noodly" or will break and start fall out. I did that once already. Wasn't good! No, not when I decided to shave my head. But it was bad!! I could run my hand over my head and my hairs would literally break off!!

So my hope is that tomorrow when I shower, I will shampoo the heck out of it. I even bought some clarifying shampoo to help. But if for some reason I still have purple-ish in my hairs, then I'll just explain to them what had happened, should they ask or if they stare. And because I'll be nervous, I am sure I'll bring it up anyhow. And who knows what else I'll do!! Prolly say, "Um" a lot, because I tend to do that when I am nervous! When I first was on the radio when I was in college, I kept saying it. I had to work on NOT saying it. But I don't ever realize that I am saying it!! I guess I stopped saying, "Um" so much on the air, to none, because I finally got used to it and was comfortable with what I was doing. So, I keep taking big breaths over and over and over because I am already nervous!!

So I am going to post two pictures. They're both horrible, of me. No make up. And I really do look old in the one. Wow. I guess I am not aging so well. It has to be all the stress!! I guess I should start wearing makeup everyday and try to cover my wrinkles!! Be warned...they're scary! Well, the one is. I cropped the other one because it was even worse!! LOL

While it isn't the normal purple I put in my hairs, it's still colored! You can see the white on the side of my head...that's what it should have looked like all over!! Damn that Murphy and his blasted law!!

So I am hoping for the best outcome tomorrow with my hairs. If not, well, then, maybe I'll stand out to them?! Maybe they'll remember me?! And yes, if you're wondering, I will be taking out piercings. Don't want to blow my first impression too badly now!

So Mother's Day was yesterday. I had a good day. It started out with Jannie making me breakfast in bed: pancakes, scrambled eggs, toast. It was all cold by the time it got to me!! LOL! But it was all good!! I need to teach her how to make things simultaneously!! I let her know how yummy it all was! She brought me a card that the kids had signed. The other two weren't even up yet, but she said that she tried waking them up but they wouldn't get out of bed so they missed out. The kids also got me a pretty plant to hang up outside. I know I am supposed to stay positive, but I'm going to say it anyway...it really did hurt that Paul didn't at least get me a card. He did the same thing for my birthday. I went all out for his birthday (threw him a surprise birthday party a few months before his birthday because all our friends would be gone when it was his actual birthday) and on his real birthday recognized him for it. I guess that's the difference between men and women?! I didn't expect him to, but I thought that maybe he would seeing how I still am the mother of his kids. Something. But he didn't. He signed the card I got for my mom, so I guess I should be happy that he recognized her. I don't know. I need to stop making things so personal!! Stop dwelling on the negative...but it really did hurt!

Anyway, switching back over to the positive and I'm sorry I let that creep in. After we were all dressed for the day on Sunday, we went to the store to get my mom some flowers. We had gotten her some puzzle books that she likes and I wanted to get her some flowers as well. We got those and some chocolate covered strawberries. Then we took the flowers, strawberries and cards to her house while she was still at church and left them by her computer so we knew she'd see them. As a surprise. Then we left. We went back a couple of hours later for dinner and we gave her the puzzle books then. We had a nice dinner of bbq chicken and sides for that. Then my Pops made an apple crisp that was super yummy. We visited with everyone that came over and then we left a little after 8 so the girls could shower and get ready for bed. 

Paul, me and Nathan watched a hockey game last night. Paul's team, the Redwings, are in the Stanley Cup Playoffs and they won the first round. Now they'll play Chicago. But we watched that. I ended up dozing off right toward the end. Then we headed to bed. It didn't get over until after midnight. Paul started back to work on Friday so he had to be up early. So that meant I had to start making sure the girls got to school in the mornings because he has been taking them. Anyway, had a good day yesterday and today. Now I'm stressing the purple-ish hairs!! I have all my certifications and my diploma found, and I have an extra copy of my resume all in a folder and ready to go. I went ahead and put all that in my car so I wouldn't forget it all tomorrow!! Wish me luck!!

My flowers to hang out back

The flowers and chocolate covered strawberries we left as a surprise for my Mama

We stopped at Home Depot for Paul to grab a hook for my flowers. I guess he took too long and Nathan decided to take a nap!!

Oh I forgot...on Wednesday I'll be heading to the courthouse because my friend's husband was arrested for legally carrying a gun. Yes, I said legally!! It's been all over YouTube and has made some national news stories. I won't publish his name since I haven't asked their permission. She texted me today and asked if I would go there to be there as support for her. I said I'd be glad to. Then she told me the time and it conflicts with getting girls from school. Paul can't do get them because he's working again. So I called my Mama. She's going to get them that day so I can go to the pretrial. She just texted me a moment ago telling me that she appreciated that I was going to try to go. I realized I forgot to tell her that I was going for sure!! So I let her know that I would for sure be there! I can't imagine what all they're going through because of this!! I know everyone has their own problems, but when all is said and done, I don't think I'd trade mine!! I hope y'all have a good night!

It Was Simple And It Was Sweet

One of my posts I talked about trying to keep things positive, and then I post the negative things. I need to try and focus on the positives throughout every aspect of my life, including my blog. Especially if I am angry or upset with Paul. Yes, I'm angry. Yes, I'm hurt. But, it's up to me to let it go. To pick up the pieces and move on. And keep in mind the goal we both want: To remain friends. I do love and care for Paul deeply. We've had many years together and I'd hate to see it go down the drain because I lashed out in anger at him. He's done what he's done and I've done what I've done, and now it's in the past. Doesn't mean that things have changed, but I can't change what has happened. So I need to stop trying to control it all to make it better for just only me. 

So I am trying. I am going to therapy weekly in hopes that I can be the person I really want to be. One that is positive. One that likes my life. One that likes me. I've spent years hating myself that I think it's about time that I actually like myself. It'll be a journey, that's for sure! 37 years of undoing what I have done to myself. I have spent so many years listening to the negative about myself, that I need to start listening to the good. I need to somehow convince myself that I really am a good person. It's just hard for me to accept that, some days. And it's been an emotional last few days, thanks to mother nature and the overwhelming effects of hormones that have invaded my body for about a week or so. I sure hope they hurry and leave so I can be my "normal" self! LOL!!

So I apologize for adding negative to my blog. And I apologize that y'all had to read it! I know I'll have my negative days, but I need to stop only posting the negative on my blog. I should focus more on the positive!

Today is Military Spouse Appreciation Day. And Paul texted me a simple text about it. It was simple and it was sweet. And it reminded me of the goal we have that we are striving to reach. 

I do care very deeply about him. And I do love him for he's not only one of my best friends, but he's the father of my children. He'll always be in my life for the rest of my life, because of the kids. And we'd like to be able to do things with the kids without it being awkward or stressful for anyone, especially the kids. We have a lot of milestones waiting ahead of us: graduations, marriages, grandkids (although they better be in the distant future), etc, and I'd love to be able to enjoy these times, as a family, without added stress of if Paul and I hated each other. 

So soon I should have everything I need to be able to serve court papers to people. That job should be interesting. But it won't make enough money for me to live on my own. Today I got a call for a job interview. Not the same place I've been waiting to hear if I got the job or not. This is at a hospital. The interview is on Tuesday. I need to gather up all my things for the interview. You know, extra resume (I need to get a better one printed out), diploma, certifications, etc. Tonight I do my last certification. Then I'll have everything that I need. So now I just need a job! Wish me luck!

Well, I need to get kids soon from school. And my car keeps yelling at me to give it some gas. So I guess I should go do that before getting the kids. I was going to make some salmon for dinner tonight, but I think I'll hold off. The girls won't be home tonight. And my class starts right during dinnertime, so it'll be just Paul and Nathan tonight. So I think it's a good night to fend for yourself. I had totally forgotten about that class tonight until a little after I had gotten a call for the job interview (you see, I had already included on my resume that I was BLS certified because I figgered that when these job postings "closed," that I'd have it. Then I was like, Oh crap! Tonight is my class for this)!!

I hope y'all have a great day. If my posts start being too negative, please shoot me a comment and remind me that I'm being Negative Nelly. No one likes a Negative Nelly or a Debbie Downer!! LOL! To all my military spouses out there: Happy Military Spouse Day!! The silent ranks!

Also, in case I don't blog on Sunday: Happy Mother's Day!

Gah!

So things have been looking good this past week. Well, since my last blog post. But today I realized that one of my niece's deleted me from Facebook. I don't know why. I don't know why I am letting it bother me! What does that really mean when people delete you off their Facebook?! Does it mean that is what they want to do in real life?! I don't know. She is Paul's niece, mine by marriage. So I can only speculate. I don't know who of all his family knows about me. I know he told his folks but I don't know who else he told or whom they told. I know that he is talking about going up to see his family, hopefully this summer, but I may have to decline going up there. I do love my Michigan family. But I feel that it might be a little awkward. He wants me to go, but I am kinda apprehensive. It really makes me nervous. They do know that we are divorcing but I do not know what else they know. And while a few of them still chat with me, I am not actually there in person. I really don't want to be in a situation where people are awkward around me, or I with them. 

It's close to that time of the month so I am hormonal, which is causing me to be a little more emotional. I really hate that! LOL!! I guess that is why this bothers me more than usual?! I don't know. I guess I need to get used to it because I am sure when more people find out, that I may lose more people from my life. I guess this will let me know who are my real friends and family. Those who can stand behind me and not feel weird about who I am. So I ask those who may read my blog, who are on my Facebook, that if you do have a problem with me and feel you want to delete me but are apprehensive or whatever, just go ahead and do it. I certainly don't want to be the cause of someone feeling the way they do. Gah! This post already is too dramatic and whatever! LOL!! Sorry!!

I am one step closer to finally becoming a Certified Process Server. I am hoping within the next couple of weeks that I'll have some work to do!! Next Friday I take a BLS (Basic Life Support) class so I can be certified with that. And then I should have everything I need to practice Phlebotomy again. Then I am going to send out a ton more resumes again. I really do feel that I haven't heard anything from the ones I sent because I wasn't certified phlebotomist and I didn't have my BLS certification. I don't know if that teaching job will be mine or not. I haven't heard anything from them. I did text Rick when I got my certification in the mail that I got it. I hoped that I could go in and chat with him about the job. But he blew me off and told me to turn in a copy of it to V (the scary lady) or some other lady. I went in and I ended up chatting with V. She was less than friendly, again, with me. So I don't know how good of a shot I have for this job. 

When I went in, I smiled at her and said, "Hello. I don't know if you remember me, but I chatted with you, Rick and Stefanie the other week..." She cut me off and, without even looking at me, said that she remembered me and that it was a while ago that we chatted and what did I need. I told her that I got my certification in the mail and that Rick wanted me to give it to her or Casey. She looked up enough to take it from me and then looked back down at whatever she was working on and said that she'd give it to Casey. Then asked if I needed anything else. I said that was it and thanked her and she said, "Uh huh." And then I turned and left. So I didn't have a good feeling when I left. So hopefully if I don't get the job that Rick will still help me get a job. He said he would when I chatted with him at the interview I didn't know I was going to have! So we'll see!

I can't allow things to get me down and dwell on them. I feel like I get ahead so far and then end up being pushed back. But things will eventually look up, I hope. I hate feeling stuck. And I hate feeling the way I do today. And as I type this, Paul is heading off to go see "her." He doesn't know when he'll be home. It's 3 pm. And I don't know why I am allowing that to be the straw that broke the camel's back today.

Today Is My Birthday

"There's always light after the dark. You have to go through that dark place to get to it, but it's there, waiting for you..." -Han Nolan

I sure hope this was my light! It was there shining down on me at the end of my street and the above quote came to mind!

I cannot remember if I posted since my therapy appointment yesterday.  I don't think I did! So at therapy, after I vented and talked about my feelings and such, she gave me a few coping skills to do. Most are breathing techniques. And I have used them quite a bit since learning them! HA! So yeah one thing I need to remember and accept is that I cannot control the actions of people and I need to not take what they do personally. But that is easier said than done!! I am trying to remove the wedge between me and Paul. It'll slowly be removed. Maybe I am keeping it there to help protect myself from further pain/heartache/disappointment?! I don't know. But I don't want our friendship to be ruined, so I really need to let it go. I am doing better than I had been. But I do have my days. I do have my roller coaster days. And I am sure I'll have more in the future. But in all reality, my day will be determined by my own attitude! If I dwell on the negative, then I'll have a negative day! So I need to learn to focus more on the positives in my life. And I have a lot more positives than I do negative. 

"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it." ~Groucho Marx

Someone posted on their Facebook last night a video by Hilary Weeks. She was talking about how she bought a clicker to count the times she had a negative thought or a negative experience. She said she had done it for a week and at the end of the week she felt very down and sad. Then she decided that maybe she should start counting the times she had something positive happened, whether it was a thought or some sort of action. She said that by the end of the week, she had counted about 3x more positive than negative. And by the end of the week she felt happy and content. And that got me thinking. That I need to focus on my positives in life, not the negative. If I focus on the negative, then that is what will consume my mind and my soul and it will drag me down. So I am trying my hardest to look at the positive of things. And today it helped. 

Today is my birthday. 37 years old. And I act like a teenager! HA! It's my rebellious stage since I never had the chance when I was a kid. I know, lame excuse. But hey, it's me. And I like it. So this morning Jannie gave me my gifts and cards from her:

Mom, you're like a rainbow, beautiful amazingly bright, and you make me smile every time you appear

You're looking at the very best mother in the universe

Meghan had a follow up appointment today about some headaches that she has been getting. Really just turns out that she doesn't drink enough water. And she has an ingrown toenail so she has to soak that. Anyway, Paul took her to the appointment and said he'd text me after to see where Jill and I were at to meet us for lunch (but time constraint didn't allow that to happen). Jill had come over this morning and after chatting a little bit the Paul, Nathan and Meghan (Jannie had already gone to school), Jill and I left. We decided to head to Round Rock. I haven't really explored it before. And did you know that there is an actual round rock there where they got the town name from?! It is still there. In a creek bed along the Chisholm Trail. And another thing to do in Round Rock is buying a Texas size donut. And I wanted a HUGE donut from Round Rock Donuts!! It's the size of like 6 regular size donuts. And OMG...this was the best donut I have ever tasted. Could have been because I haven't had a donut in such a long time!! We found the part of the town where the round rock was at and ate the donut there. So you can say that I ate a donut on the Chisholm Trail! Sweet, eh?!

Jill sprayed me with confetti!! It's still all over my car. Paul told me today that he was going to do something with my car today, but because we took it, he said he'd do it tomorrow! I hope whatever he does to it, that he'll include vacuuming so all the millions of pieces of confetti will get outta there!! But it was fun and exciting! LOL

No trick photography was done!! And surprisingly this was only $5.99. We figgered it would have been MUCH more!

I do not know what's wrong with my face here! This was the best tasting donut ever!!

After there we decided to head to the outlet mall. However, we saw an IKEA and because we had never been to one before, we decided to go there!! It was less than impressive! LOL!! And it was a maze in there. And all I have to say is that I am glad there was no fire because we'd have gotten lost trying to find a dang exit in that place!! We'd have died before escaping!! We ate there because they had food! Thankfully it wasn't horse meat or whatever was discovered to be in the meat there!! They did have signs that said they only get their beef and pork from the US and that it was USDA certified. Ha! I guess people were scared to eat there after that report!! We had a Greek salad and a salmon lasagna. Both were super yummy!!

I'm glad they specified that this hot dog was NOT actual size of this 10 foot banner!!

Then end of the school day was coming and we had to head home. After getting Jill's girls, I headed home. Paul got our girls. But when I got home our girls were gone. They went to Austin tonight with my sister to go see the Lumineers in concert. I love that band! Paul went to get Nathan from my sister's house, I ordered some pizza and waited for Paul to get back and for Jill to get here. Nathan and Reilly stayed here with Jill's girls and Paul, Jill and I went to see a movie tonight. It was a really long movie! So if you go see "Pain & Gain," be prepared for a really long movie! I suggest to watch it on RedBox!! We had a good time, though. Glad I turned the Lumineers ticket down and chose to see a movie and spend time with Paul and Jill. Jill's hubby had some class then an Army thing to go to tonight so Paul was outnumbered! HA! 

We got home and we were going to have some cake that Paul got me earlier today. But I really wanted to do cake with the girls and Nathan. So we chatted a little bit and then Jill headed home with her girls. Reilly had left earlier before we got home and he and Tyler came back to pick up Nathan since we got home. So girls are in Austin, Nathan is at my sister's and Paul and I are chilling here at home. It was a really great day! And if the wind hadn't blown my candles out, I'd have wished that this year be better than at this very moment. I know that it will because I have to think it possible!! Attitude will determine outcomes sometimes!! It's getting late, so methinks I'll head to bed. Hope y'all have a great night!!

This will get devoured tomorrow!!

Two In One Night?!

Wow...another post?! Two in one night?! This one will be short. I dozed off today and had a dream that I had a loose tooth. I ended up pulling the tooth out. A molar, in the back. So I looked it up online to see if there was any significance to it. Here's what I found:

http://www.teethfallingoutdream.org/pulling-out-teeth-dream/

It's actually crazy how the interpretation of it actually relates very closely to my situation!! And I need to stop dwelling on the bad. I need to start looking forward to the new adventure in my life and be happy!! I am trying!! And I do want to succeed!!

So Now That I Am Done Ranting, Here's The Hidden Blog I Talked About A Few Weeks Ago

I wrote the following blog when I still lived in El Paso. I believe toward the end of 2012. I just never published it. And a few things have changed since. For one, Paul now has some girl on the side. I try and tell myself that I deserve that for breaking his heart. But it's not right! Some may not agree with me, but when all is said and done, we are still married and nothing is final yet. We have had fights over this. He seems to turn around and tell me that he still cares for me, but I question that. My feelings are, if he really did care for me, like he says he does, then he would have waited until I moved out. He says he just wants to move forward. I understand that, but really?! Move forward while I still live at home?! Funny how he told me that it would bother him if I moved on while still living at home and knowing I was going to be with someone else but yet, it's ok for him to do the same thing to me?! 

I did tell him today that his actions really tell me just how much he really cares for me. And I feel stuck. I want to move forward with my life, slowly, but I am stuck. Stuck in this house. With him. I do love him and care for him dearly, and I guess that's why I have a hard time with this all?! I don't know. 

I have problems with that we decide something and she wants to try and change things. Move things faster and on her timeline. She told him that she didn't want her boyfriend to be married, so now he wants to push up the divorce when we still need to do this and this and this first. I say fuck her! She *KNEW* he was married when she met him. He told her our living situation and she was fine with it. Then, when he gets here, all of the sudden she has a problem with it?! FUCK HER! And FUCK HIM! I am trying my hardest to keep things civil. To not let things bother me. Some days I succeed and some days I fail. 

I truly believe that I deserve to love someone truly and have that same love returned. I truly believe that I deserve better than this. What wife really just looks the other way and not care?! Because apparently that is how I am supposed to feel. To just accept it and get over my feelings of hurt. This is what I was basically told by him. Funny how when I had strayed on him, how it wasn't ok. I tried to make things better. I tried to make things work out. I felt like shit. I did what I could to make things right. I still am trying. He seems to forget how he felt then and that maybe I would feel the same. But it's ok. It's ok because we're getting a divorce. But you know what?! It's not ok. 

And while I may have my faults and did what I had done, there's a major difference: I made things right and I had no intention to ever sleep with anyone. And he keeps throwing what I had done in my face because at the time, we weren't going to divorce. I should just chalk it up to that he's trying to justify his actions and make himself feel better. I know that I am not perfect. I know that I have my faults. I know that I made my mistakes. But I truly deserve better than how I am being treated. I truly deserve to be happy and not be made to feel like shit when he wants to try and make himself feel better about his actions. Funny how one little action on his part, with no intention to fix the wrong, can sum up what I really have meant to him all these years. At least I tried. At least I didn't stoop to his level. 

So now that I am done ranting, here's the hidden blog I talked about a few weeks ago:

-------------------------------

I hope I can figger this whole new blog format out. I guess I've been gone longer than I thought. I know I blogged not too long ago (I didn't check the last time but I am sure it wasn't too long ago) but the format didn't look like this. So I hope after I publish this, that it looks fine. And I hope that after I publish this, that the backlash of this post won't be that of negative. But I really don't think that will happen. I am sure that I will read some negativity, because we can't always please people. I just hope that people will take what I say and ponder before they let their hatred and/or anger lead their fingers to say what is on their mind at that very moment. Because once words are said, you can't unsay them. You can delete a comment, but once it's read, it can't be unread. And all comments are emailed to me so I'll get them even if you post and then delete!!

I read a quote by Steve Jobs and it's what has inspired this post. It's a post I wanted to do for a while but haven't. I guess fear, lack of courage, stopped me. Fear and lack of courage has stopped me from being my true self for many, many years. And because of the lack of courage, I have hurt people. What I thought was the right thing to do, prolly wasn't. Anyway, the quote is: "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma -- which is living the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition."

This is prolly one of the hardest posts I have ever written. My hands are shaking. My heart is racing. I actually feel sick to my stomach a little bit because of all the thoughts I am having about the aftermath of this posting. But if I don't have courage now, I will have to find it some other day. And now is good, right?! It is something that I should have done a long time ago. A REALLY long time ago. And then maybe I wouldn't be here today typing up this post. I wouldn't have made such a mess of things had I had the courage to do this when I was in high school. Yes, it was that long ago, considering my 20th school reunion will be in 2014!! Yikes!! But I guess better late than never?! Some may argue that last sentence that never may be the best plan of action for this. I hope that some people remain in my life after this post. But we shall see.

In high school, I didn't have a lot of boyfriends. And the ones that I had, they never lasted long. I would kiss them and then end it. I didn't like it. I didn't like boys, really. Found myself more interested in girls but never acted on anything because I was taught that it was wrong. I honestly felt that I would go to Hell for the thoughts and desires that I had. So I fought with them. I fought them everyday. And it was a losing battle and I felt that there was something wrong with me. I wasn't normal. And I was going to be damned for my thoughts, even if I didn't act on them. 

I met Paul and he was cute. He liked me and paid a lot of attention to me. And I liked the attention because it distracted me from the latest secret crush that I had on a woman. I felt that if I could make myself fall in love with him then I would be "normal." I know I loved him as a person, as my best friend. But I just don't know if I was ever actually IN love with him. I wonder now if I was more IN love with the idea of being "normal" than anything else. I look back now and know that this was wrong of me. I shouldn't have married him. I should have been strong and brave to tell the truth. But the truth was, I was afraid. I was scared. I had been taught that it was a sin to be homosexual. I was taught that I needed to be married to a man and have lots and lots of babies. And I wanted to please the Lord. To please my parents. To please Paul. The only person I wasn't pleasing was myself. But being 19 and naive, I really thought that my decision to marry Paul was the right one. I really thought that in time I would learn to be IN love with him and that these thoughts and feelings I had toward women would go away. I was wrong. And the more I fought it, the more I felt I was living a lie. The more I felt I was a bad and horrible person. And with that, I let my thoughts tell me over and over again what a horrible person I was.

Going off topic a little and speaking of that voice, that I had named Phil...I came clean, or came out to Paul a few months ago. And while I feel like the biggest jerk and a horrible person for what I am putting him through and how much I have hurt him, Phil hasn't really been around much. I think because I had finally let out this huge big secret that I carried around my whole life. Funny how, when one feels guilty about something, how their mind can mess with them. But once they let the guilt go and tell the truth, how that negative voice can disappear. You have no idea what a relief it was to talk to him about it and to lift this huge weight off my shoulders. 

Yes, I said guilty. For years I felt guilty for the thoughts I had. The many crushes I had over the years with women. I had to push the feelings away. And every time I would have feelings toward someone over the years, the more guilt I felt. I felt that I was already going to be judged for my thoughts although I never acted upon them. In dreams and in day dreams, I acted on them, and then I would feel more and more guilty. Felt that I was still doing something wrong. 

Being intimate with my husband was very hard for me. It was very awkward for me. Not saying that he lacked in that department, because he doesn't, it's just that I was never comfortable being intimate with him. He has told me for years that I am not really affectionate toward him. That has always been his biggest complaint about me. Even when we dated. I couldn't. I tried but I just couldn't. But I did my best with keeping my secret. With trying to make him happy. To please him. And for years, I felt I was living a lie. And I knew that one day I was going to have to come clean because as the years progressed, the more the guilt ate at me and the more I pushed him away. 

A couple of years ago, I had a hard time and lost my standing in the church. And it was very hard on both of us, because he sorta knew the truth but I never actually came out with it. I had lots of meetings with my bishop at the time. One of the things he told me was that I needed to be completely honest with who I am. Because I would never be happy if I couldn't be honest about myself. And I thought about this for a long time. I guess I sorta went on a self discovery mission. Who was I?! And I had to come to terms with who I was. And I had to come to terms with that I was fixing to hurt a lot of people. But I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to hurt the man I had been married to for 14 years (at that time). I wasn't ready to throw my kids' world upside down. I wasn't ready to possibly have family and friends turn their backs on me. Am I ready for all of it now?! No, not really. But it'll come out eventually. So here I am, telling the world that I prefer women over men. 

I cannot express enough how badly I feel about how much I have hurt Paul. I cannot express enough the pain I feel inside because I know I have caused him pain. He and I have shed countless tears over this and I know that we will shed even more. Having said that, we are ending our marriage. He said he can't be with someone who doesn't love him and I don't blame him. What I really want for him is to be happy. To find someone that can truly love him. Find someone that can give him what I can't. Where I have failed. He told me he feels like a failure, but he isn't. He has been a wonderful husband to me over the years. He is the best father and the kids adore him. And he is still my best friend and I love and care for him deeply. And I know that I will be very protective of him whenever he starts dating again. 

I hurt him more than I can even know and the last thing I want is for someone else to do so too. I won't be against him dating, but she had better know that she had better treat him great because he deserves it after all that I have put him through. If I had one wish for him, it would be that he could find someone to love him for the rest of their lives and that he will realize that he is more happy with her than he ever was with me. And I know that he wishes the same about me. That one day I will be able to find someone that makes me happy and whom I am in love with.

As I type this, I am crying because of the pain that I have caused him. For the further pain I will cause him because, although we are keeping things civil with each other, because we don't hate each other, we still have a long and bumpy road ahead of us. But I know that this will be something else that he and I can accomplish and that we can still be a family with the kids, although not a traditional family. That he and I will still work together when it comes to the welfare of the kids. 

The kids know that we are divorcing. It was hard to sit them down and let them know. Right now, I am looking for jobs but I have not heard anything back. I have sent out lots of resumes. And I am currently looking into learning a new trade. Paul and I live in separate rooms, as this was his idea of helping to move on. But I really need to move out so that we both can truly move on and forward. 

I don't want anyone to think that this is something new for me. That I am going through a phase. That this is caused because I decided not to go to church. That me not going to church is the reason behind this all. Me being this way is one of the reasons I stopped going to church. This is something that I have lived with pretty much my whole life. It may be something new to everyone, but it isn't new. This is how I have always been. I tried to fight it. I have prayed and fasted over the years to overcome it. I prayed in the temples for me to overcome it. I added myself to prayer rolls so others could pray for me to overcome it. And all I have gotten from it, is that this isn't a choice. This isn't something someone goes through. And my thoughts and feelings are, if it is really wrong, then why haven't my prayers been answered?! I have read LDS related material on this topic and I basically followed it, other than talking to my church leaders about it. I have prayed and fasted to overcome it. I married someone to overcome it. And, yet, here I am. Still the same me. And nothing has changed. I still fancy women. I always have. And I don't think it'll ever change, because I tried. I tried for 17 years of marriage and I tried over the years in high school. I have tried for many, many years. So if this was something that could have been overcome, then how come I haven't been able to?! How come the Lord has ignored my pleadings to overcome this?!

I was thinking about why I felt it right to marry Paul. I had prayed about it and I felt I had received an answer that I should marry him. I don't regret it. He doesn't regret it. Why?! Because had I not, we wouldn't have our three *AWESOME* children that we have and we wouldn't have 17 years of happy memories. Despite the pain and heartache, we have had a great marriage and happy times. But there was always something missing, something Paul has sensed over the years. And I couldn't overcome this "demon" inside of me. I tried! So I feel marrying Paul was the right decision for me at the time in my life, despite what we're going through now. Our marriage has helped us grow in many ways. And like I said, we have great kids, that wouldn't be here today. 

And those who still feel that I am "choosing" to be this way, why would I?! Why would I WANT TO CHOOSE to break our family apart?! Why WOULD I CHOOSE not to be in love with Paul?! He's a good man. He's provided me and the kids with the things we needed. Why WOULD I CHOOSE to hurt him and the kids?! Only a heartless person would choose such things, and I am not that type of person. If I could choose something, I WOULD CHOOSE my family staying together. I WOULD CHOOSE to be in love with the man I have known for most of my life. I WOULD CHOOSE to not live with guilt because I knew he was in love with me and I couldn't share the same feelings. This isn't something I woke up one day and decided to do. 

And I am sorry if I have offended anyone because of this. And I hope that because you know this now, that you won't forget the feelings of love and friendship you have toward me, because I am the same person I have been for many years. But if you cannot accept it, then that choice is yours and yours alone. I will not feel guilty for it. I hope that I don't lose any family or friends over this, but if I do, I do know that it isn't my fault, and I will accept and honor your choice to cut me out of your life, no matter how hard it would be. 

To illustrate just how long I have been this way, I am including pictures of me. Pictures I have of myself when I have fancied women. I would have more high school pictures added to this, but I don't have any. So all I have are my senior pictures. These are all me...a lesbian...no matter how I look. Just because I didn't "look" like one doesn't mean I wasn't. I am sure with how I look now, that people question it. In fact, I know that people question it. But like I said, it isn't something new. This has been me since at least high school.

1994

1994

1995

1996

1996

2004

2005

June 2010

July 2010

August 2010

August 2010

January 2011

February 2011

August 2012

October 2012 

(Yes I shaved my head one night. No real reason other than I always wanted to and I was bored and unsupervised!)

November 2012

February 2013

March 2013

April 2013

So you see, me being this way has gone back to high school. I guess I was just born this way. I know I fought it for years. And it's time to accept it. Time to truly be me. Time for acceptance and tolerance. Because if the man who has been with me through thick and thin can accept it and still love me for who I am, I hope anyone can. I hope that y'all will follow his example, because I do know that he is one of my biggest supporters and I know that he'll defend me. He already has, many times. And I love him for it. I know that he and I can have a better relationship not being married than being married. My hope is that he and I can still be one in raising our children, in our new untraditional way. Because, after all, love and family is all we got!!

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I really do hope that he and I can salvage our friendship. But today, I can barely look at him. I don't even want to be in the same room as him. Today, he literally makes me sick to my stomach. I hope that my therapist can help me overcome these feelings. Give me coping skills to try out. I need something because I truly feel it's important that he and I can remain friends for the kids' sake. And because he's been my best friend all these years, I really don't want to lose him as a friend. But I am not sure how likely that will be. But I will keep trying despite how many times he breaks my heart and steps all over me. He is the father of my children, and for their sake, I need to remember that. I need to be a better example to them. It just sucks that they're getting a huge pile of shit handed to them. And it makes me feel that I have failed them as their mom. And that's prolly true. I am a failure and don't deserve anything good. I guess it's my punishment for letting them down.